4 Simple Ways to Set Boundaries When You’re Highly Sensitive

The idea of setting boundaries can be overwhelming as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Sometimes we worry that others will get mad at us if we ask for something or abandon us if we say no. Even though it can be hard, you can still set boundaries even as a highly sensitive person.

Written specifically for HSPs, these four tips can help you learn how to set boundaries with the people in your life. 

State Your Needs with Clarity

HSPs often struggle with speaking directly. As Psychology Today points out, “Most HSPs give hints and make suggestions that others do not hear for what they really are.” It’s important to be clear when you set a boundary. If your friends ask you to host a party that you’re not comfortable hosting, it’s important to present a clear “No.” Saying, “Oh, I’ll think about it” leaves the door open. It’s better to say “I’m sorry, I can’t do that, but I’d love to bring a dish if someone else hosts.”

You don’t have to sacrifice care for clarity. Remember, you’re not being unkind for simply saying no to something. You can politely but firmly set boundaries that are very clear to everyone.

Focus on What You Want

You might feel more comfortable setting boundaries if you focus on what you want versus what you don’t want. For instance, imagine you have a friend who dominates your phone calls. There are two tones you can take.

Stating what you want: “I like talking on the phone with you, but I’d love to keep our conversations more balanced. I also want to share what’s going on in my life.” 

Stating what you don’t want: “I like talking on the phone with you, but I need you to stop taking up so much time on these calls.”

For a Highly Sensitive Person, focusing on a positive outcome may feel more comfortable than focusing on what is going wrong. This allows you to stay conscious of everyone’s feelings while also stating your needs.

Use Personal Statements

HSPs often feel responsible for how other people feel. Remember that you don’t have to manage everyone else’s feelings. One way to stay grounded in your own needs as an HSP is to use “I” statements when setting boundaries. For example, saying “I need to take this weekend to unwind and recharge, so I won’t be able to keep our lunch date.” 

Pointing out what you need and why you need it keeps the focus on your own needs instead of trying to appease the other person. At the same time, if the person has a disappointed response, you can say “I understand where you’re coming from, but I really need to catch up on sleep this weekend. Are you free next week?” This offers empathy while maintaining “I” statements and reinforcing your boundary. 

Remain on Topic

A person who doesn’t like your new boundary may try to steer you back toward agreeing with them. Imagine you ask a friend to call before they show up at your house. They could say “My other friends don’t mind when I show up unannounced, so I don’t understand the problem.” 

If this happens, you can gently redirect the conversation back to your own boundary. Try saying something like “I’d like to stay focused on us. I like to have notice when someone is coming over so I can prepare.”

Setting boundaries is hard for HSPs, but it’s a skill you can build over time with practice! Use these tips - staying focused on your own feelings, using “I” statements, and remaining on topic to help you build your boundary-setting muscle! It might take practice for it to feel comfortable. Just know that each time you do it, setting a healthy boundary will likely become easier for you. 

If you want some help learning how to set boundaries with people, reach out and schedule time to meet with one of our therapists. We understand how hard it can be for HSPs and we’re here to help!